"All Things Rock" Quotes

Joel: ...This is the new video...
Benji: Joel fell off the stage - he tripped.
Joel: This is the new vid...
Benji: It's his new most embarrassing moment ever.
Joel: Shut up... no, you're my most embarrassing moment.

Joel: I hope they play at my wedding.
Benji: They won't, Joel, you'll never get married.

Joel: Hey, you're watching "All Things Rock" and I'm one half of your hosts, Joel.
Benji: Yes, and I am the better half, Benji.

Benji (after reading a post on the ATR board): We sit on plastic boxes. And in order to make them look cool, they have lights in them. And they get pretty hot.
Joel: It's like a fire under your ass.

Benji: This is "All Things Rock" and I'm Benji and this is MY show!! Oh yeah, and this is my little helper, Joel.

Joel: It's the middle of the night... you know what that means!
Benji: It's a rave! *hand motions*
Joel: No! It's "All Things Rock".

Joel: I really love Dashboard [Confessional, an emo band]; if you don't have the CD, you should really check it out.
Benji: Joel listens to it and just cries, and sobs... tears of heartbreak.

Benji: What do you guys think? Will kids get over pop music? Boy bands? Pop divas?
Joel: Will there be anarchy?
Benji: Tune in next week.

Joel: Heyyy, I can't think of a better place to be than hanging out on a college campus listening to tunes and watching rock vid-
Benji: Tunes?!
Joel: Yeah, you know, like songs from Default.
Benji: We never use the word "tunes"! Rule #4.
Joel: OK...

Joel: Go to MTV.com and tell us what you think of the show.
Benji: And what you think of Joel, and if he should really be on this show.
Joel: That's right.

Joel (on Hoobastank): They actually got their name from a band member's middle name.
Benji: It's amazing, the things my brother knows.

Benji (reading a post): "I agree, they should play some 'Motivation Station'. It's not a Benji and Joel show without GC videos." (laughs) What's a motivation station?
Joel: I don't know.
Benji: I don't know either, but that's the new term, kids. That's the cool thing to say.
Joel: Right.
Benji: MTV's the motivation station.

Benji: Do you think Pamela Anderson has a younger sister?
Joel: If she did, she wouldn't be interested.

Joel: The Hives are gaining a great fan following in Australia and...
Benji: The Hives? Australia? Dude, The Hives are from Sweden.
Joel: The Hives? (confused look on face)
Benji: They're. From. Sweden!

Benji: And then -
Joel: No, and then -
Benji: And then -
Joel: *mean voice* NO, AND THEN.
Benji: *puts head down* That wasn't funny.

Benji: Ow! Ow! Ow!
Joel: I thought we were down, Britney?
Benji: Why do you have to hate me? (in a girly voice)
Joel: If you had thought about buying the Filter cd, here's a few things to persuade you: it has links to a 16 min. video of the studio, and video of their song "Where Do We Go From Here".
Benji: I hear it has nudity, it has nudity.

Benji: I personally don't find it hard, being married and being on tour.
Joel: You're not married.
Benji: Oh... right.
Joel: ...and you never will be!

Joel: Now, we don't have a platinum record. We don't even have a gold record.
Benji: We have a record.
Joel: I do have some gold teeth. But no gold record... or whatever.
Benji: And I've been known to wear some platinum. For weeks, man. For weeks!

Benji: This next video is Blink 182's "First Date"... Joel's still yet to have one.

Benji: This next video reminds me of my brother Joel... he used to walk around the house all the time... always rockin the short shorts.

Benji: I'm gonna read it but if I mess up, this is just a practice time.

Benji: (reading post) "Do you guys read actual posts or do the writers give you something?" ... Do you think that we're puppets? I don't make this stuff. Some kids wrote these things on the message boards.
Joel: This show can't afford writers.
Benji: Do you think I write these? Here, listen. "Benji is hot", "Benji is god", "ATR rocks", "Benji is cool". I don't think I write these. We are not puppets!
Joel: No more posts for you. (snatches posts from Benji)

Benji: I remember when we called Limp Bizkit to produce our video, he never called us back. I auditioned for guitarist, he never called back. I called his mom, he never called back.
Joel: I got a red hat.

Post: "Dear Benji and Joel, you guys are always fighting and I think since you're brothers, you guys should hug just once..."
Joel: No. Sorry, no.
Benji: Yeah. Joel has this thing where he doesn't touch people and he washes his hands a lot.

Joel: Welcome back to All Things Rock. I'm Joel and this is Benji.
Benji: Yes, I am Benji... but I am also the giver of information!

Benji: Welcome back to the best show on MTV, and we are the best hosts!
Joel: You're very confident...
Benji: Yes! I am the best.

Benji: Graffiti's good, kids. Get out there!

Benji: We are back!
Joel: Back.
Benji: Back.
Joel: Back.

Joel: What do you think Benj?
Benji: Ahh, shut up kid!

Benji: I'm learning French. "Bonjour biatch!", "Au revoir biatch!"

Benji: Right now, we get to play a video...
Joel: (acts stupid to distract Benji)
Benji: Dude, get serious.
Joel: Alright.
Benji: We're gonna get fired.

Joel: I think if they had a California music award for show hosts, we'd win.
Benji: True! I think so too. We're really good. Well let's check out the video, and while the video is playing we can talk about how good we are amongst ourselves.

Benji: And me and Joel were thinking that we should change our band to be rap metal so we could be rich too. I'd buy 6 cars.

Benji: (reading a post) "We also agree that Benji is the best host."
Joel: (actually believes it says that and looks at paper)

Joel: Go to the MTV All Things Rock message board.
Benji: And tell me how great I am!

Benji: (reading a post) "P.S. Benji is a better host than Joel."

Joel: Welcome to All Things Rock, I'm Joel.
Benji: And I'm Benji.
Joel: Yeah... unfortunately...

Joel: Well you can go to mtv.com, you can go to the message board there...
Benji: Don't forget to do that.
Joel: OR you could go to GoodCharlotte.com, there's a message board there too!
Benji: Hey GC kids. (waves)

Benji: (talking about MTV's Campus Invasion Tour) Ahh, the memories, it seems like it was only last week...
Joel: ... It was only last week ...
Benji: I know, you're not supposed to say that. That was the whole point of the joke.

Joel: Every band dreams of that...I know our band does; we don't have a platinum record!
Benji: We've got platinum teeth man, 'sup wit that?!

Joel: Nothing wrong with a dark video every now and then, you know what I mean?
Benji: Yeah, I like dark videos, I got Frankenstein on my shirt.
Joel: Anyways.
Benji: Right there. (points to Frankenstein on his shirt)

Benji: I started buying records kinda late. I got Nirvana's "Nevermind", Rancid's first record, Joel got MC Hammer...
Joel: (shrugs) Can't lie.

Benji: It's a lot of fun, the Internet.
Joel: Right.
Benji: I think it's gonna be big.

Benji: There is a person in here.

Joel: (on the Goo Goo Dolls) Their old name was The Sex Maggots.
Benji: Interesting. That's a horrible name.

Benji: It's, uh, a little, I guess...what is it? Vibey?
Joel: It's very reggae-ish.
Benji: Yeah, vibey...

Joel: Yo, yo welcome to Direct Effect foo.
Benji: Aww, this is Bands to Watch, Dumbass.
Cameraman: Uhhhhhh, read the cue cards.
Joel: What foo, dis All Things Rock? Aww heck naw.

Benji: Hello and welcome to All Things... hold on. (pulls out punk manual) DAMMIT, I WASN'T PUNK ENOUGH!!

Joel: Shuts ups befores I smacks yas...

Benji: OH NO!! ONE OF MY SPIKES IS FALLING!! HAIR PEOPLE, I NEED GEL PRONTO!!!

Joel: Yos, are theres hoes waitings outs theres fors mes?
Cameraman: Umm...
Joel: WHATS? I ASKS FORS SOMES HOES ANDS YOUS CANTS PROVIDES!
Cameraman: We couldn't pay anybody enough to sleep with you!
Joel: FORGETS THIS!! I QUITS!! I GOS WORKS ATS DIRECTS EFFECTS FOO!!

Joel: (reads post) "Dear Benji and Joel, I love 'Seein' Red' by UL, but I'm worried that the song will get played too much and I'll get sick of it"...blah.
Benji: Shut up kid... We're gonna play it for you... You won't get sick of it. Or something like that... Erm...

Benji: This video was shot in an old theatre... That's where Joel lives, in a dirty old theatre... "Get outta here kids!"

Benji: C'mon Joel, who's tougher?
Joel: Okay, he is. No, wait, actually we have this dog named Ca$h.
Benji: Yeah, Ca$h.

Joel: I'm down with the political bands, I think, you know, freedom of speech...
Benji: Waah, waah, the government's wrong!
Joel: Shut up. Freedom of speech is really good and all, but just as long as they're not anti-American, or anti-...
Benji: We must educate the children.
Joel: ...anti-
Benji: To teach them.
Joel: ...anti- any of that, because we have the freedom of speech in this country to say whatever we want, and if those bands weren't in America, they wouldn't be able to say that.
Benji: Let's have a protest!
Joel: So, uh, keep doing your thing, but don't go against, you know...
Benji: Hug a tree.
Joel: ...your own country, patriotic, all that. Anyways, let's play the video, we're getting a little too serious here.

Benji: This is All Things Rock, I'm Benji. This is Joel and, um, this is my show and, uh, Joel's hangin' out... and, uh... It's nice to have you here, Joel! (pats Joel's shoulder)
Joel: Thanks! (shaking his head)

Joel: That's trippy, man.
Benji: It's trippy. That's far out.
Joel: Far out.
Benji: So anyways...
Joel: Groovy.

Joel: My name is Joel. This is Benji, my brother.
Benji: I hate you.

Benji: Wow, Joel, that's a lot of videos to live up to!

Benji: Food for thought.
Joel: Food for thought... Hey Mom!
Benji: Best show on MTV.

Joel: They like the sexy album titles.
Benji: A little risk-kay. (on The Donnas' "Take it Off")

Benji: They're labelmates of us. I mean, they're on the same label.
Joel: Good one, Benji.
Benji: Yeah!

Joel: Ain't that special!

Joel: You're so sweet.

Joel: Or what a wonderful job you're doing, that's what you're thinking.
Benji: Yup! (About kids going to the message boards, and writing posts.)

Joel: And we just got kicked out of the DJ booth 'cause Benj was cussing too much.
Benji: Fuck!

Benji: And I just said 33 'F' words in one minute.

Benji: (on Dashboard Confessional) Can we say any more?
Joel: You can't say any more than that.

Joel: Yeah, this is the video for "Basket Case", here it is.
Benji: Good old American punk rock.
Joel: Check it out.

Benji: Surf the web, man.
Joel: Information is power.
Benji: The super information highway.
Joel: That's right.

Benji: California punks. Something for the kids that like the punk rock. (on "Seein' Red")

Benji: He's gonna be one of the most famous dogs ever. I'm gonna make him bite all the bands I don't like. (on Ca$h)

Benji: Hey! Welcome back to All Things Rock. I'm Joel, this is Benji, and uh, this is our show, um.
Joel: We're in a band called Good Charlotte.
Benji: Yes.
Joel: The only reason he said that he's Joel is because he's wearing my clothes tonight.

Benji: I am incredibly boring, and I have no idea how I got this job.
Joel: You are an idiot.

Joel: For all those people who thought they were having cybersex with Benji online, they were wrong, it's not Benji you're having cyber sex with.
Benji: Yeah, I'm too shy anyway. (with a huge grin on his face to say that he actually was having cyber with people online)

Benji: Maybe it was him running around in that watch...

Benji: Let me just relish in this.

Joel: Why would you pay 91 dollars when you can get it for 15 when it comes out?
Benji: You can get it for 10, even 8.
Joel: If it's on sale!
Benji: Hey, I'll burn you one of mine!

Benji: ...and when Joel's done stealing my lines... we'll get started.

Benji: Quite a salesman, Joel.
Joel: I love that record, what can I say?

Benji: Joel, the human encyclopedia... blah, blah, blah, blah.

Benji: We're in the middle of an hour long... C-E-L-E-B-R-A-T-I-O-N... of rock.
Joel: I'm just celebrating him, just, uh, shutting up.

Benji: Next we have a video from Godsmack, GODSMACK. This video features a sword fight, scary animals... and a guy in leather pants.
Joel: Also the rock...what's up dawg.
Benji: Pro wrestler the Rock, Joel's favorite wrestler. Joel's got a life size picture of him on his wall, um, actually, um, it's on your ceiling, isn't it?

Benji: Joel gets his date a little confused, a little sweaty, a little nervous.

Benji: ...and Joel says... you can never have too many short shorts.
Joel: Dude... shut up.

Benji: Joel likes to mention every band that we are friends with.
Joel: Yeah, anyways, shut up.

Benji: My Spidey sense is telling me it's gonna be good.

Benji: You'll laugh, you'll cry...
Joel: ...and you'll rock.
Benji: Yeah!

Benji: Go break up with your girlfriends.
Joel: Go.

Joel: I check it out probably every other day, maybe every day even.
Benji: When he's not looking up dirty pictures.
Joel: Shut up.

Post: "Benji and Joel, can you hug?"
Joel: Nope.
Benji: Moving on.

Benji: And coming up, my favorite band, our band.
Joel: Good choice Benji, did you pick that one?
Benji: Yes.

Joel: Sorry about my reading... I'm a little slow.

Benji: Hi hi!

Joel: And when we come back, a band of brothers.
Benji: And no, not the miniseries.
Joel: No, I wasn't talking about that, I don't know what miniseries you are talking about.

Joel and Benji: Quote, un quote. (Together! It's a twin thing.)

Benji: You talk a lot.
Joel: I talk a lot? I'm not saying anything else.

Benji: Welcome to my new show, hosted by me, Benji.
Joel: And don't forget to watch "All Things Rock" during the week.
Benji: That's my show too.

Benji: What the hey?!

Benji: Oh... naughty.

Joel: You say tomayto, and I say tomahto.

Joel: Who am I?
Benji: Where am I going?

Joel: Tom Cruise is dreamy.

Joel: I like U2.
Benji: You too?
Joel: U2.

Benji: The popo, the poline.
Joel: The man.
Benji: The 5-0.

Benji: That was shameless, Joel, shameless.

Joel: It's gonna be good.
Benji: It's gonna be great.

Benji: I have a feeling they are gonna be huge.
Joel: They are already huge.
Benji: Oh.

Joel: If you thought we were skipping through the mtv.com message board....
Benji: YOU WERE WRONG!
Joel: Wrong.
Benji: We'd never skip the message board!

Benji: And speaking of No Doubt, we got a video of theirs coming up for their song "Hella Good".
Joel: It's a good video.
Benji: Hella cool.
Joel: It's a hella good video.
Benji: It's hella man.
Joel: That's right.

Benji: And tonight, we've got videos coming up from No Doubt, Puddle of Mudd, and Hoobastank.
Joel: It's gonna be SWEET!
Benji: Alright.

Joel: And right now, we're going to check in with our message board, the All Things Rock message board at mtv.com.
Benji: Yes, uh, Joel, this post comes from Mudvaynemaggot666. (looks at Joel, then camera, makes the psycho noise) Ree ree ree.

Benji: We are your humble and gracious hosts.
Joel: If you want to call it that.
Benji: And I think we do a good job. (pats himself on the back with a huge smile on his face)

Benji: And you know the deal, kids. You can hit us up at mtv.com and let us know what's on your crazy minds. You little zany...(points finger at the camera)
Joel: ...zesty little kids.

Benji: There have been a lot of problems with people downloading the new Dave Matthews Band CD... so stop it, Joel!

Joel: And we'll have a video from -
Benj: Bu -
Joel: Umm, we'll have Billy -
Benji: Bu -
Joel: And Paul on the show tonight, and -
Benji: Bu -
Joel: Dude! Stop doing that, I'm trying to talk about -
Benji: Bu -
Joel: *puts his fist in Benji's face* SHHH!!!

Benji: Hey kids, don't go anywhere, 'cuz when we get back, we've got more videos for you... AND Joel and I are gonna have a fist fight! *looks at Joel*
Joel: *shakes his head reluctantly* Stick around...

Benji: All that matters is fame and money!
Joel: *shakes his head* Shut up, OK? Enough, alright!?
Benji: *softly* ...alright.

Benji: Look at this post I found. "Benji has good hair. Benji has cool pants. Benji is greatttt. Benji is... benjiful." Look, I have my own adjective!
Joel: Okay, and for the next video...
Benji: *still rambling* I'm going to relish in all my Benjiness...

Benji: Have you seen Kid Rock's new beer commercial?
Joel: No.
Benji: It made me want to drink soda...
Joel: *stares blankly*
Benji: Was that funny?
Joel: No.

Joel: ...and this is from their '97 album, Nimrod.
Benji: Whoa! That's the year I graduated high school!
Joel: Yes, it is.
Benji: *looks at camera* See, I told you guys I graduated!

Benji: Hey! You're watching All Things Rock, which is my show, and I'm Benji. *looks at Joel* Aren't you glad I let you hang out sometimes?

Joel: So watch the VMAs, hosted by Jimmy Fallon.
Benji: My friend.
Joel: You've never met him, you don't know him, he's not your friend.
Benji: Then that's my award.
Joel: No, it's not.

Benji: He's got these fake tattoos. I don't know if I'm down with that. Ya see, these aren't real.
Joel: Yeah, but he could...
Benji: Kick my ass? Yeah, I'm sure he could.
(talking about Vin Diesel)

Benji: Change the channel and die. *smiles*

Joel: Hey, everyone, welcome back. I'm Joel and this is my brother Benji.
Benji: Yes, the rumors are true... we ARE related!

Joel: The guys in Chevelle say they're having second thoughts about their name, which was taken from the classic Chevy muscle car, the Chevy Chevelle, which I really love.
Benji: I like the Chevelle.
Joel: Now why would you question a name like Chevelle?
Benji: I don't know. Why?
Joel: A cool name like Chevelle, when it could be worse. You could have a band named after a children's book about a little girl. A book you never even read. A book like Good Charlotte. And then you have to answer all these questions about why, what's the significance of your name, when you really don't know, you were just fifteen and you named the band. And now you're bigger...
Benji: And you got a mohawk and tattoos and you're named after a little girl. It could be worse guys, Chevelle's an okay name.
Joel: Don't cry about it. It's all good.

Benji: *on the lead singer of the White Stripes* He says he doesn't have any ASSpirations to become a big movie star.
Joel: He doesn't have any ASSpirations?
Benji: No... I've got ASSpirations.
Joel: You do???
Benji: Of being like, one of those guys in the civil war movies that dies, like, right away.

Joel: We're doing this spankin' new style this week.
Benji: "Spankin' new style"???
Joel: Spankin' new, yo.
Benji: Word.
Joel: Word. So, anyway, we're here with -
Benji: Wait a minute, you're not making fun of hip hop are you?
Joel: No... NO!!!
Benji: Good, 'cause I'll break you like a fool.

Joel: *talking about some video director*
Benji: He also directed Christina Aguilera's video for "Dirty". The best video in the history of videos ever!!! ...EVER!!!

Benji: You probably shouldn't punch the floor on stage while you're angry...*points to Joel* You should punch your brother, that's what brothers are for, you should hit your brother.
Joel: Well, I'm speechless...

*talking to the Halo Friendlies about bowling*
Benji: Do you like heavy balls?
Natalie: Medium... balls.
Joel: You know, kids, it's important when you bowl to use the right size balls. Ya know, the balls are really the most important part of the game.
Benji: Balls are important, aren't they?

Benji: They said the track was written about the overwhelming temptations of stardom.
Joel: I know I get overwhelmed.
Benji: You're not a star.
Joel: Oh, yeah...

Benji: *stops talking and listens to announcer in bowling alley* They just called for the ball boy, Joel.
Joel: Gotta go! *walks off set*

Benji: *talking about his equipment* ...which you probably can't see 'cause of a lot of stains from fruits and tomatoes and other various items thrown at me while I'm on stage...
Joel: People hate you.
Benji:...small children... midget parts...
Joel: People must really hate you.
Benji: ...I am, I'm not a very loved man in this country am I?

Benji: Joel needed some anatomy lessons.
Joel: That's right.
Benji: He was all twisted up... couldn't figure some things out.
Joel: ...That's right...

Benji: (introducing "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" video) I feel like such an asshole for introducing our video.
Joel: Benji, you are an asshole.

Benji: Alright, well, I think Joel gets a little sweaty and nervous when you talk to him...

Benji: Joel gets intimidated easily
Joel: ...That's right.

Joel: *doesn't know he's on camera* Dude!!! Shut up!

Joel: (talking about 2003 Grammy nominations) We were nominated for a Grammy.
Benji: Yeah, we were, but we said no.
Joel: Keep your Grammy.
Benji: Yeah, shove that Grammy... up your ass.

Joel: Could it be any more obvious that he was reading from a cue card!? He's like this the whole time: *looks back and forth from the cue card to the camera and mocks benji* "UH, RECENTLY..."

Joel: We're in a band called Good Charlotte.
Benji: Yes. Joel likes to mention that every time.

Benji: Hey, welcome back to "All Things Rock", we're from the band Good Charlotte. THERE, JOEL!!! I said it!!!!
Joel: Thank you!

Benji: (reading post) Some nice person decided to post a little poll on who should get fired, me or Joel. A little contest or something.
Joel: This should be funny.
Benji: Yeah... Well, 1% says that Joel should get fired...
Joel: Ha ha ha...
Benji: 1% says that I should get fired. That's 2%. The other 98% of people say that we should both get fired, that we suck, we don't know what we're doing, we don't belong on MTV, we're no good... We look bad...
Joel: OK, OK!!

Benji: Does it piss you off? That men are better than women?

Benji: (talking about No Doubt's video game) I'm buying that one.
Joel: I got Play Station 2 (points at Benji), he's got X-Box.
Benji: Billy and Paul bought me X-Box. I think they just got it so they could play with it though.
Joel: Yeah. Thanks guys, Billy and Paul. We love you guys. Anyways...

Benji: Their video with attitude?
Joel: They've got attitude in the video. He also has a beard.
Benji: Their video for "Attitude". Correction, my young brother, uh, here on All Things Rock.
Joel: Alright, Snoop Dogg.

Joel: Hey! Welcome back to "All Things Rock". This is Benji. I'm Joel. We're from a band called Good Charlotte, and it's time for us to go. We're starting to get in trouble with the, uh, producers of the show.
Benji: We're about to get fired.
Joel: So we gotta go before we, uh...
Benji: ...get fired.
Joel: That's right. So don't forget to go to mtv.com, and tell us what you think, tell us what you want to see, and you know, go there, and post on the message board.
Benji: Billy and Paul said if we get fired, they're going to kick our asses.
Joel: That's right, because this show is good publicity for the band. (Both crack up laughing)

Joel: There are two versions of this video. I don't know which one we're going to show, but, two versions.
Benji: Let's mix it up.
Joel: Yeah, let's mix it up, um, it's like Coke and Diet Coke.
Benji: No, not really.
Joel: Coke and Pepsi.
Benji: Not really.

Benji: (dumb blonde cheerleader voice) The last video of the night comes from the White Stripes, and I think it's really good!
Joel: Cool... umm, *laughs* yeah...
Benji: You like 'em too? We listen to it when we drive. It's really good.

Benji: *talking about buying a cd* You can go to your local Target store.
Joel: Tar-jayyy.
Benji: Yes, I used to work at Target. Uhhh, long story, I got fired for painting a tuxedo on my naked body at a company function...the punch spilled, it was a mess.
Joel: Bad story....
Benji: Bad story!

Joel: I told you we knew NFG! I told you!
Benji: We weren't lying.
Chad (New Found Glory): See, this is what its all about. (shakes Joel's hand and gives Benji a hug, Chad's about a foot taller than Benji - he looks like a little boy hugging his dad)
Chad: All Things Rock! All Things Rock! (picks up some rocks and starts throwing them at Joel)

Benji: I sorta feel, like, when people compare me to Joel, even though he's my twin, it's like kicking me in the face and then punching me again.
Joel: Well, when people compare me to you it's like...
Benji: *interrupts* Let's play the next video.
Joel: *makes face because he can't think of anything*

Benji: I'm Benji, this is my brother Joel, and you're watching my show. *starts to read post*
Joel: Why don't you just go ahead and read this, since you're running things right now... since you don't do anything else.
Benji: Thank you, my brother, for finally recognizing!

Benji: I found a shocking one.
Joel: It IS a shocking one.
Benji: "First of all,I want to say that those wannabe punk rockers from Good Charlotte are the worst hosts I've ever laid my eyes on." *Joel looks at paper and makes a shocked face* "I don't think that they should be able to be on TV in the first place. Why don't MTV just find any bum off the street and give them a job to host a crappy rock show?"
Joel: *silent pause* Well, my mom always told me there would be haters, just keep doing your thing. Not everyone can love ya.
Benji: I... I don't even know what to say.
Joel: I wouldn't get a bum off the street though. You guys remember Jesse Camp?
Benji: You couldn't understand a word he was sayin'.
Joel: You couldn't understand "Ahyyahhayyhaah Jesse Camp?"

Benji: Hey kids, do not change that channel or I will kill you!
*Joel laughs and shakes his head*
Joel: No, it's alright, he's not going to kill you. He couldn't kill anything.
*Benji just stares at him*

Joel: I'm...I'm Joel and this is Benji
Benji: I'm...I'm Joel and this is Benji
Joel: *keeps talking*
Benji: *shrugs* I thought it was funny.
Joel: That's right... it wasn't funny. He's never funny. *goes back to talking*
Benji: *makes funny face and starts doing the "robot"*

Joel: And don't forget...
Benji: ...to give me lots of compliments!
Joel: Give him lots of compliments... he NEEDS them.
Benji: *nods in agreement*

Benji: They're going to be in L.A.
Joel: *stunned look on his face* LOS ANGELESSSSSS?????
Benji: Yes...
Joel: HOLLYWOOD!?

Joel: We're standing here on this mosaic -
Benji: I made a mosaic in fifth grade out of noodles...
Joel: - very famous.... that's niiiice Benj.

Benji: I didn't just fall, I swear...

Benji: Now I sound like a news broadcaster.
Joel: Yeah, this just in: Benji's an asshole.

Benji: Joel, even though everyone makes fun of you, you're still doing a good job.
Joel: Well, that really raises my confidence a lot.

Benji: Yes, it's the greatest one hour of TV you'll ever see!

Benji: (responding to a post) I just want to say that if I was on the message board, if I do post, my name would be a lot cooler than All Things Benji. Sorry, it's not me.
Joel: Once again, people are surfing the net on someone else's -
Benji and Joel: - someone else's surfboard. (both look at each other and giggle)

Benji: And the next video comes from Joel's favorite band in history, Default.
Joel: (looks surprised)

Joel: Well, my grandmother is a big fan of Good Charlotte. We're for the grannies.
Benji: My grandma watches the show so hi, Grandma! I e-mail with her.
Joel: Hi Grandma, we love you!!! (they both wave)
Joel: Let's dedicate the next video to our grandma.

Benji: Well, let's take a look at Papa Roach's "She Loves Me Not", and Joel, please don't sing along.
Joel: WORD!

Joel: Anthony Kiedis [of the Red Hot Chilli Peppers], good guy, I know him personally.
Benji: No you don't.
Joel: (talks about how the song is a true story about Anthony's break up)
Benji: It wasn't working out, I had to let him go. (trying not to laugh)
Joel: You broke up with him?
Benji: (smiles) YES!
Joel: Whatever, dude.
Benji: It's ok, 'cause now he can be rich, he's got a hit!

Benji: (talking about people requesting a song a lot) Which means Joel here has been spending a lot of time on his laptop. A-HA! (total fake laugh)
Joel: Shut up.

Benji: I have my foot on the monitor.
Joel: That's right, Benji is doing the big rock star move.

Benji: Hey everyone this is All Things Rock, I'm Scott Stapp [from Creed]. (smiles) I'm just kidding, I'm Benji and this is Joel. (Benji starts cracking up laughing)

Joel: What do you think of that Scott?
Benji: I think that's great, Joel.

Joel: We'll still be on the Warped Tour.
Benji: Still having not showered for weeks.
Joel: Weeks on end.
Benji: (lifts up his arm and stiffs his armpit, makes a disgusted face)

Joel: (speaking to the band Quarashi) Do you guys ever get tired of Benj trying to sleep on your bus?
Quarashi: Sometimes.
Joel: It gets old, I know, I have to be on the bus with him.
Benji: Hey! What can I say? I'm a fan.

Joel: We're on the tour all summer long with these guys. We actually shower together and stuff, it's great.
Benji: (talking about the lead singer) I actually borrowed his underwear yesterday, it was awesome. I'll give it back to you later.

Joel: Bush.
Benji: (starts laughing hysterically)
Joel: Lets go to a commercial. (confused look)

Benji: I like rockstardom. You can have girls flash you for free and have girls actually want to make out with you. But then again some guys want to make out with Joel.
Joel: Yeah, I am the man's man. Benji, you're the llama's man.
Benji: Maybe so, but I get more action than you do.
Joel: Actually, you don't, because as far as I will tell anyone, we are both still virgins and probably will be until our twelve-year-old fans become 18 and meet us when we are like 29.
Benji: Hey girls, in six years I will be free, so come propose anytime, so I can lose my big V.
Joel: Uhh, I think they'd be more experienced than you.
Benji: I doubt it. I have a blow up doll and you.
Joel: Dude, that was wrong.
Benji: But so VERY true. (fake laughs)
Joel: Uhh, no.
(both argue and keep saying yes no yes no yes no)

Benji: We will be back with more rock videos in a few, but first let's go to MTV news.
Joel : (right before Ian came on TV) Newsflash, Benji is an idiot.

Benji and Joel: (at exactly the same time) And now we're back.
Benji: Yes, we are twins, isn't it so cute?

Benji: The All-American Rejects have a story for us here.
(The All-American Rejects say something about rocking balls and Mike busting his head on a speaker.)
Joel: Aha, nice one.
Benji: You guys cannot top my story. See? Once I was rocking balls in my bedroom and my mom came in and caught me.
Joel: That's a nice story, Benji.

Benji: Yes - we are back. You thought those annoying veejays from that dumb band were gone - but NO - we're still here.

Benji: (on ex-*NSYNC member JC's video) Leave it to JC Chasez to bring back the mullet.

Benji: If you ask Linkin Park if we're friends they'll say yes.
Joel: They don't even know who you are.

Joel: The screen name is GoodCharlotte7.
Benji: I like it, so far, I like it.
Joel: First of all, I think Good Charlotte rocks and I love the first CD.
Benji: Yes, keep going.
Joel: I can't wait until October 1 when your new CD "The Young and The Hopeless" comes out.
Benji: You know, it's funny she should say that, we have a CD coming out October 1 called "The Young and The Hopeless", and uh, ya know, you should check it out.
Joel: Are you ever in your career coming to Alaska?
Benji: I should hope so, and another band that might come to Alaska is Default, and we should hope they go to Alaska.

Benji: Satan has a sister and she's a fan of ours?
Joel: Be quiet, this gets serious.
Benji: The asthma attacks are probably pretty frequent, in hell. We're sorry that Satan's your sister.

Benji: Stay with us or we'll have our feelings hurt. (The twins make puppy-dog faces)

Benji: (scratching his ass) Tonight's post, it goes: "Hey, did anyone see Benji on Tuesday night's show? He was scratching his ass at the end while Joel was talking, I can't believe he would do that on TV. I thought it was funny." You know, you guys, I enjoy the posts, I love reading the message boards but sometimes you just send in the weirdest stuff and let's try to -
Joel: For real.
Benji: Yeah, don't make up stories about me scratching my ass, let's get serious.

Joel: I know what else can make you grow.
Benji: What else can help make you grow?
Joel: Green beans and broccoli and carrots! (smiles)

Joel: Welcome back to "All Things Rock"!
Benji: Welcome back to "All Things Rock"!
Joel: (sighs) Ohhh yeah, he's not funny is he?

Benji: And now it's time for Joel to stop talking.

Benji: There's no way that can be true, we all know I hook up with dudes.
Joel: (gives weird look)
Benji: It's all a lie.

Benji: You know what? There's nothing wrong with making out with a girl here or there on the road.
Joel: It's funny 'cause this is true.

Benji: Alright, let's play the video: The Donnas, "Who Invited You".
Joel: (turns to Benji) Who invited you? (laughs) Clever!

Joel: I'm Joel, this is Benji.
Benji: Yep!
Joel: He's my brother.
Benji: Yep!
Joel: We're in a band called Good Charlotte.
Benji: Yep!

Joel: (talking about the Evanescence "Bring Me To Life" video)
Benji: Yeah, I remember when I was holding a chick off a building and I dropped her. It sucked.

Joel: Go Benji, it's your birfday. Wait, if it's your birthday it's my birthday too!
(Benji laughs)
Joel: (making a mad face) I was being serious, dude.
Benji: Oh no, I pissed the ghetto twin off.
Joel: Don't make me go kung fu on you, punk twin.
(Benji makes a karate noise)
Joel: Don't really hit me, bro.

Benji: Actually, [Evanescence lead singer] Amy Lee says she stays away from many foods such as chilli, peppers, and onions so her voice stays clear. Also, she stays away from poo.
Joel: No poo, kids. Wanna record deal? No poo!
Benji: She drinks a lot of warm water too.
Joel: That works.
Benji: So here's the Evanescence video, "Bring Me To Life" - and remember, no eating poo.

Joel: (talking about the Evanescence "Bring Me To Life" video) Benj, remember when you were holding that girl over a ledge and you dropped her?
Benji: I would nev - (realizes the question) No. No!

Joel: Evanescence is hanging on at number two again.
Benji: Amy Lee, Amy Lee, Amy Lee.
Joel: That's right, she's in her nightgown, she's falling.
Benji: "Bring Me To Life" is the song.
Joel: Yes.
Benji: Amy Lee's the singer - "Wake me up"...
Joel: You notice how when he's, like, pulling her, the dude, the rapper dude is pulling her up. On the thing. And you can...
Benji: I won't let ya fall, I won't let ya fall...
Joel: And her, like, nightgown and it's, like, kinda showing her legs and you're, like, wondering if you can see a little mor,e and you keep kinda going like this into the TV (he acts like he's peering at the TV) but ya don't and she falls...
Benji: Amy, I wouldn't let ya fall girl, ya know this right?
Joel: You gotta hold on...

Joel: Let me straighten your box there. (He straightens the box on Benji's microphone)

Benji: Remember when that time a girl like, uh, called you a girl?
Joel: No.

Benji: We're gonna go back stage and make a sandwich. (He bobs his head from side to side)

Benji: Wait till we go to commercial or until Joel starts talking. He goes on.

Benji: Which means they're really rich and could buy me stuff. (on Puddle of Mudd)

Benji: (to Joel) You read dirty magazines.

Joel: That was our video for "The Young And The Hopeless". *pauses* I had nothing to do with that.
Benji: Yes, that would be dishonest.
*Benji and Joel stuff CDs under their shirts*
Benji: We would never do anything dishonest.

Benji: (on the Vanessa Carlton video) I wanna ride on a magical piano.

Joel (reading a post): This post comes from gcchick20.
Benji: Joel's old screen name.

Joel: That was Linkin Park at #5 with Faint. Heard those guys were, uh, pickin on us when they were hosting the day.
Benji: Because they beat us at the #1 spot. Not this week though. Linkin Park is at #5.
Joel: #5. It's not even a #2.
Benji: More like stinky park.
Joel: More like...
Benji: More like stinky fart. How 'bout that? (laughs) Huh? Linkin Park?
Joel: How 'bout Linkin smart?
Benji: Alright, you're killing it. Now, coming up, speaking of stinky farts, Amy Lee (Joel laughs really hard) from Evanescence does her best Johnny Depp impersonation.

Joel: Spank you Sharon Osbourne, spank you very much!